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Knife Knowledge
Damsel in Distress: Help me! Help me!
Andrew: Who’s that?! What’s wrong?
Damsel: Over here, on the railroad tracks! A man mugged me and tied me to the rails! This is like something out of The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Please set me free. Please!
Andrew: Okay, ma’am! Wow…he really bound you tightly. Luckily, I have my trusty EDC companion. What are the chances that I would be the one walking by? These are the moments a knife-toting individual dreams of! I’m just taking a short hike through the—
Damsel: HEY! Can you cut me free? I hear a train coming.
Andrew: Right, of course…
Damsel: Wow! Is that a Chris Reeve Knives Sebenza with black micarta inlays?
Andrew: Good eye! It is indeed.
Damsel: I’m not sure a dull gas station knife would have been able to get through all this tough jute rope.
Andrew: No problem. Happy to help.
Damsel: How can I ever repay you? My family owns an extremely large company. Would you like an easy job that pays handsomely?
Andrew: That would be great! More money to expand my knife collection…
Andrew: Boss—I’m sorry to be late for work again. I got toothpaste on my shirt and had to change outfits. My bread burned in the toaster. My dog was slow to go to the bathroom. There was a huge accident on the highway. I hit every single red light!
Boss: This is not acceptable! You have been late three times this week. If you don’t shape up, you’ll be FIRED.
Andrew: Please forgive me! I am trying my best, I swear.
Boss: You are not trying hard enough. You are an hour late!
Andrew: Only 40 minutes late—it’s 9:40. By the way, have you seen my new Benchmade 940? Sorry…now’s not the time to discuss my pocket knife. Anyway, I promise to be more punctual.
Boss: Wait—you carry a Benchmade Osborne?! I didn’t know you had such great taste.
Andrew: Yes, sir. I value high quality, made-in-USA craftsmanship paired with attractive, sensible design aesthetics.
Boss: I am seeing you in a whole new light. Cheers, Andrew. Keep carrying that Benchmade with you, as well as your can-do, Boy Scout mentality. Let’s forget that I chewed you out this morning. Try to be on time, and if you keep up your passion for knives, I see a bright future for you within this company!
Andrew: Yes, sir!
Andrew: This is such a nice evening! I cherish these dinners on our patio. Delicious food, easy conversation, gorgeous sunset—what more could you ask for?
Girlfriend: …
Andrew: What’s wrong?
Girlfriend: Andrew, you are such a fun guy and we never get in fights…
Andrew: So, what’s the problem?
Girlfriend: You are always living for the moment. We never make long-term plans. You don’t want children. You’re terrible at saving money. I don’t know if there is a future between us!
Andrew: You’re right…I am not the most sensible person. I have to admit, when you mentioned future plans, all I could think about is how much I long to add a Reate Future to my knife collection! If only it wasn’t discontinued. Whoops—what were you saying before? Something about….uh, I don’t remember…
Girlfriend: Don’t worry about it, Andrew! Your passion for knives reminds me of why we are a perfect match. You open all the boxes from my online orders, and you love processing the cardboard recycling. I’ve never known another guy with so many different blade steels represented in a collection.
Andrew: Oh shucks…I’m still missing Maxamet, CTS-XHP, CPM-4V. I sold my only Elmax knife last week to make rent…I don’t even own a single custom or integral…
Girlfriend: Stop! You are great. I know you can’t get that Reate Future you want, but what about the Horizon? Blade HQ still has great stock of those. I’ll buy you the Damascus version if it makes you happy!
Andrew: Wow. You really are the perfect girlfriend. This has been a magical evening. I can’t wait to receive my new knife, but in the meantime, look out at the horizon. What a wonderful sunset! Do you see all the fireflies dancing in the grass?
Girlfriend: I was so wrong to have ever doubted you!
Wrap Up
This piece is written and illustrated by Andrew Hamilton. Inspiration comes from here—check it out!
Read our recent Star Wars EDC piece!
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